Hi Blog. Long time no see. Sorry about that.

The lord said, "Write" and I promptly replied "..."

But hopefully I'll start being obedient now.

So, I've been sick for a week now and I've been wondering why. I've been eating more healthy foods and exercising more and taking vitamins, so why? Especially when: I'm not on insurance, have no money, and missed two days of work.

I'm not sure of the answer, but I have some theories now that I'm in it.

Last Saturday, some people in my life had urged me to stop doing things in my strength and instead rely on God's and to stop working for His approval when He's already given it to you. Basically, stop being Martha and sit at the foot of the lord like Mary did.

I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't know what that even meant or how to do it.

Well, on Monday I got sick. And let me just say, it's hard to rely on your own strength when you have none. And it's hard to worship the Lord without a voice, without strength to dance or play guitar or even hold a pen for extended periods of time.

I still don't really know what all of this means and I even hesitate to publish this without answers, but I feel like I should anyway for some reason.

I guess this post is more of a prayer. lord, please show me how to life my life for You and how to rely on you for everything and just to simply sit at your feet. Rabbi, teach me what this means. Guide me along and hold my hand, because I need Your help to walk.

Like a moth to the flame

Do you know why moths are so attracted to fire and light? I don't know the science behind it so if you do, I'd love for you to tell me.

But maybe these moths spend all their time fluttering against the wind always searching for something. And maybe they don't know what it is. But for some reason, they see that flame, in all it's heat and glory, and are pulled in. Do they think they can tame it? Or at least pass through it unchanged? Regardless of their feeble thoughts and assumptions, they are not strong enough to survive the burning embrace of the flame. But neither are they strong enough to live without it.

Maybe they look at the world around them and find it bleak in it's void of answers, though the moths have battered it with questions. Time after time, in all sorts of places. They think it can't possibly compare to the heat of the fire. Would they rather give over their life to that burning, consuming power than live a fleeting life outside of it, never knowing what it would have been like? Maybe this all sounds rather suicidal or reckless to you, and it is a scary. Terribly horrifying in fact.

But if there's no fire in your life, are you even really living?

and the Lord was with him

Joseph was thrown into a pit and sold into slavery by his brothers...and the Lord was with him.

It got him into Egypt.

Joseph was a slave in the officer of the Guard's household...and the Lord was with him. "The Lord made everything he did successful." He was put in charge of Potiphar's household.

Potiphar's wife accused him falsely of attempted rape and Joseph was put in the Kings prison...and the Lord was with him. He was right underneath Pharaoh's palace.

Joseph was put in charge of all the prisoners. "The Lord made everything he did successful" and gave Joseph the use of his gift of interpretation which saved a man's life.

Joseph was loyal, trustworthy, and upright, and he was forgotten. Joseph was forgotten for two years...and the Lord was with him.

Joseph did not become bitter or angry towards God. He did not deny God's existence or run from him. He waited on the Lord. He continued to do the same old things God entrusted him to do.

Good thing, too. because if he hadn't been patient, he wouldn't have been there ready to rule Egypt for 14 years with everything but Pharaoh's name. He wouldn't have seen his dreams come true. he wouldn't have seen how every pit fall brought him closer to his position over Egypt. He wouldn't have connected between his charge of the relatively small officer's household and the larger prison community as his administrational training for ruling a whole kingdom.

Would that we all could be so patient and humble and trustworthy to our God who gave us everything, and in Whom, all things are possible.

3/25/10 - trust

I don't know God's plan. I don't know why He asks us to do the things He asks us to do. But I trust Him. I mean, I really trust Him. I trust that everything He does, he does to prosper us and not to harm us. And i can't explain that trust so someone if they've never felt it. And nothing He asks me to do goes against me heart, and by that I don't mean emotions, but the law He wrote on my heart before I was born. He only ever asks me to love people and follow Him.

3/24/10 - acceptance

"I have seen your face, and it is like seeing God's face, since you have accepted me." (Gen 33:10)

Jacob's acceptance by his brother was like seeing the face of God. And that's not just hyperbole. Jacob had truly seen "God face-to-face" just the night before (32:30) so he'd probably remember what it was like.

People don't really give acceptance much thought. But without it, we all die quickly and alone. And that's just the natural world. Without God's acceptance, we spend all of eternity with nothing surrounding us for infinity in all directions.

If someone isn't accepted by peers, they get hurt, angry, bitter, closed off, etc. Being burned by a group of people can change you forever.

In my opinion, the church's inability to accept people where they are at, with love and compassion, like Jesus did ( the One we claim to follow), is possibly the best way to make an atheist. So when you meet an atheist, don't hate them or disrespect them because you think they hate you. Love them, respect them, and brake the cycle.

Remembering His Goodness

Monday, March 22nd

Tomorrow is Tuesday. We have prayer meetings every tuesday morning at 8. I usually go. Sarah leaves at 7 I believe, and Shaenelle has class at 8. If I go tomorrow I'll be going by myself. Which is completely doable. But, since I've been struggling with self-discipline, and since I wont always have Chi Alpha to rely on for my bread and water, I want to test myself by getting up at 7 and having my own quiet time. Can I do it? Can I focus? Can I devote a whole hour (since I'm entirely out of practice) to worshiping God with my praise and concentration? Can I pray prayers of thanksgiving and blessing for my brothers and sisters and not get sidetracked or sleepy? I want to know that I can. Because in the "real world," outside of this XA bubble, I will have no choice and no chance without it.

So that was yesterday. Today, I got up at 8 but still had a full hour of me alone with God.

I asked God to speak to me, and this is what he said:

Genesis 31:13a "I am the God of Bethel, where you poured oil on the stone maker and made a solemn vow to me."

I think the memory is one of the most beautiful things God gives us. It's the rope that he drops down to us when we are at our lowest. We remember, in our times of fear or doubt or loneliness, just like Jacob, that God is real, God does provide for us, and He surely does care.

We can close our eyes and remember. Your fruitful promises. The night I was afraid and could not go to sleep and then I felt you hold my hand. When I was alone in a crowd and suddenly your arm was upon my back. When I was being attacked and your name scared away the beasts. The night I gave my life to loving the lost people around me and I felt you fill the cavities of my chest till I swore I would explode into fire.

Lord, you have been there with me through every joyful, painful, dark, and laughable step I have taken. And you're with me now. And in the same way, you will be with me tomorrow when I question my future with my job, in a year when I look at the map ask you "where?" And when difficult mornings wake me with a racing heart, you will be there to pull me out of bed.

And that is why I follow you.